Welcome to the Newsletter for ChangeWorks Life Coaching 

February, 2005-

There is the pain of changing or the pain of not changing...It's up to you

Written by: Maureen Fannin, LCSW

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What is in this issue?


1.  Introduction:  Happy Valentine's Day!

2.  What is New! 

3.   Coaching Topic: Love Is A Verb

4. Quote of the Month

5. Shattering The Glass Ceiling Within- Are You Underearning?

6. Additional Quotes

7. Psychotherapy & Coaching Services


1.  Introduction: 


      Happy Valentine's Day everyone!  We finally got some snow here in Virginia.  Now we just have the long wait til Spring.  Phil the groundhog saw his shadow so there will be six more weeks of Winter.  But there are good things about Winter.  Hot Chocolate to drink and warm fires in the fireplace.  Hope you enjoy the newsletter!


Please keep the victims of the Tsunami is your thoughts.  It was such a devastating tradegy and the amount of loss is staggering.  It is hard to imagine how the countries affected are coping with such a large scale  tragedy.  I hope that if you have loved ones in that area they are safe. 


2.  What is New?


      My new website is up!  There is just a few more things to complete.  I have a bookstore on my site and a discussion group.  There are some wonderful books that I recommend on the site.  Check them out!  Let me know what you think of the site. 


3. Coaching Topic Love Is  A Verb.


      I was listening to the Diane Rheam show on National Public Radio several weeks ago. The name of the guest escapes me, but he did say something  noteworthy.  He stated that the words “ I love you” were one of the greatest lies of the 20th century right along with “The checks in the mail”. Sound cynical? Well,  he continued to make the point that what we say does not always match what we do.  It’s not that we intend to lie but we sometimes treat each other in ways that do not equal the words “I love you” 

        Love is a verb.  It is an action word.  It requires movement to allow its full expression.  Can we love passively?  Loving passively implies holding back or keeping quiet.   We can probably all describe a relationship in our lives where love was expressed passively.  How did  it feel? It  most likely didn’t feel very good.  Passive love is confusing and keeps us constantly guessing.  We find ourselves wondering “Do they really care?”  Love is the nourishment of our souls.  Love in its expressive form keeps us feeling well fed and healthy.  Children are the best example of seeing the affect of active love.  They beam with delight when they are given attention and affection.  The reaction is instant.  Children give and receive love freely and easily.  Adults have a more difficult time with expressing and receiving love.  We build strong defenses that can keeps us in a passive stance unable to express what we feel. 

     Valentine’ Day and other holidays provide a safe way of expressing our feelings.  It is a day where passivity is not allowed and the expression of love in the norm.  Why can’t every day be like be like Valentines day?  It is hard to keep up that kind of intensity.  It is not realistic to have romantic dinners every night and poetry waiting for us in the morning on our pillows.  But we can improve love behaviors.

      There is a book called The Language Of Love, which is an excellent book written about the different ways love is expressed.  Everyone has there language of love.  Some may express their love by doing for others.  Others may express their love more affectionately with lots of hugs and kisses.  The key is to have an understanding of your partners language of love.  This applies not only to romantic relationships but parental or other significant relationships.  The one common element in all the languages of love is that there is always a verb involved.

Action Challenge:

1. Explore how you express your love to significant people in your life.  Is there a verb involved? 

2. How are you likely to express your feeling? (doing, verbal expression)

3. Recognize how the significant others in your life express their love to you. 

4. Make a list of how you can more actively express your feelings.

 4.  Quote of The Month- "To Love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides" David Viscott


5. Shattering The Glass Ceiling Within- Are You Underearning?


    Are you earning what you are worth?  How easy or difficult was it to answer that question?  This question often incites an array of emotions from women.  Some may become angry feeling that a persons worth in not measured in dollars.  Others can clearly say yes or no, and many are not sure.  Money cannot buy happiness or self worth.  But it can provide quality of life, adequate healthcare, comfortable retirement, food and clothes for our children and a comfortable lifestyle.  It is important to earn what you are worth!  According to the U.S Department of Labor, women working full-time, year-round, earn 72% of what men earn.  The median annual earnings of private sector workers participating in a 401 (K) plan in 1993 was $36, 400 for men and only $23, 920 for women.  The reasons for women earning less are complex and range from societal issues as the glass ceiling to personal issues that are different for each woman.  Underearning could also be the culprit behind your lack of financial reward. 


         Underearning is a chronic pattern of earning below your potential.  The term underearning was first coined by Jerald's Munids  in his book  "Earn What You deserve" He defined underearning as "one who makes less than is needed or desired, for no apparent reason, despite efforts to do otherwise." Underearning is not voluntary simplicity which is a conscious choice to live on less in order to create a simpler, saner life.  Underearning is when an individual is earning below their potential


     What can be done about underearning?  Changing the patterns that lead to underearning requires a shift in thinking and a willingness to be uncomfortable.  It may require facing fears and changing beliefs that are no longer serving you.  This is the inner work of wealth.  Anyone can do the outer work of wealth as taking a marketing class or learn a new negotiation strategy, but if your internal fears keep you from acting on these techniques, then the outer work becomes counter productive.  Spend some time answering the following questions to begin your own inner work.   Remember we are only limited by our own beliefs. 


Action Challenge


1.                            What emotions do I feel when I am actively engaged in doing financial matters?


2.                            Is what I am earning meeting my financial and personal needs?


3.                            What are my beliefs about earning more income? (ex. Would have to work too hard, my profession pays poorly)


4.                            What is behind my wish to earn more?  How would my life improve? Or not improve?


 6. Additional Quotes: " I worked for a menial's hire, only to learn dismayed, That any wage I had asked of Life, Life would have willingly paid." Jessie B. Rittenhouse 


7.  Psychotherapy & Life Coaching Services


I provide individual, couples and family therapy in my psychotherapy practice.  I am currently accepting clients in my Manassas office.  Please contact me at 703-626-0381.


I also provide individual and group coaching and conduct seminars and workshops.  Please contact me at or visit my website at  I am also accepting referrals for coaching.


Good Luck and have a great month!  See you next time!


Maureen Fannin, LCSW

ChangeWorks Psychotherapy & Life Coaching Services 9315 Center Street Suite 204 Manassas, VA. 20110 Phone: (703)626-0381 E-Mail

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